Hate Me, Love Me
by mistye-dawne
Summary: I hate you. He didn't mean it. He was just angry and having left Toshi's apartment without letting the man explain himself only fueled that emotion.


Aizawa blinks once, twice, then lets out a shaky breath and stands up, pulling his hand out of Toshi's tender grasp. He backs away from the blond, eyes wide and blurry from welling tears. A rare sight to be sure.

Had he heard right? Toshi wanted him to leave?

He didn't know what to say. He could see Toshi's lips still moving, but all he heard was his heart racing.

The thumb wiping away a stray tear chases the fog away for a moment and he looks into Toshi's doleful blue eyes. Anger surges and Aizawa slaps the man's hand away. He turns on his heel and makes for the door.

"Shouta wait!" Toshi cries out. He doesn't stop as he slams the door shut behind him.

Aizawa shoves his hands into his pockets and hides his face into the folds of his scarf when he steps outside into the winter air. He starts walking not knowing where go or what to do. He just needed to be far away from here. Toshi could take his explanations and choke for all he cared now.

 _I hate you._

He didn't mean it.

He was just angry and having left Toshi's apartment without letting the man explain himself only fueled that emotion. Why had he left? He should have stayed and said that he wasn't going anywhere. Fuck Toshi and his half-assed breakup. What could have possibly brought this on? They'd only really been together for a couple of months and while school kept them both busy, they still made time for each other. No students, no grading, no hero talk. Just Shouta and Yagi.

His steps begin to falter.

Maybe he should go back. Then again he's still far too angry and doesn't want to upset Toshi even after what he'd just done to him. He starts walking again and decides that for now, he'd cool his head then go back to apologize for storming off and let Toshi talk. In the meantime a text- Aizawa's stomach drops when he doesn't feel his phone in his pocket.

Well shit. This was just perfect. Even if he wasn't willing to go back and hear Toshi's explanation, he would still have to go back and get his phone. At least he had his wallet.

Aizawa knew that he could be emotionally distant at times, but he also knew that Toshi needed the emotional reinforcement so it was something that he made sure to think about and let the blond know that he was loved and wanted. Aizawa had spent enough time with Toshi to know that when there was something on his mind, he pulled at his bangs. Didn't matter if the man had good or bad news. If he wanted to share something but wasn't sure how to, he always toyed with them.

Thinking about it now, he had been pulling at them earlier and after Aizawa had asked what he wanted to say, he'd broken up with him. It still didn't explain what he'd done wrong, (if he'd done anything at all) but it did tell him that it wasn't completely out of the blue, for Toshi at least. It was something that had been on his mind. Why hadn't _he_ seen it coming though? Standing on the corner, waiting to cross the street, Aizawa sees the cafe where they had their first date and chides himself for walking in its direction for something warm to drink.

It had been a spur of the moment thing as he had only asked Toshi in the middle of a school day because he'd overheard Mic and Midnight betting to see how long it would take for the blond to finally ask him out. He made sure that the two of them were in earshot when he invited the clumsy teacher to join him for coffee, making sure to include the word 'date' so they couldn't argue the fact that he just made their promised exchange null and void.

Okay, so the premise of him asking had been to foil his friends' antics, but he had been genuinely interested in wanting to spend some time with Toshi outside of school. That afternoon, they'd spent several hours at that coffeeshop, simply talking. Aizawa had confessed to him that he'd asked because of Mic and Midnight's bet. Toshi had just laughed it off and said that he'd have to thank the two of them as he'd been single for too long that he doubted that he would have ever found the courage to ask Aizawa out.

The contrast of warm air makes Aizawa's cold tear-stained cheeks sting as he walks inside the busy little place. He holds his hands to them, wishing it was Toshi's thumb running along his scar instead of his own. The cafe was a ways away from his place, but when he discovered it he made a point to stop by once or twice a week and spend a couple hours grading his student's work. It was normally loud on the days he came in, but the noise didn't bother him and he often preferred it to the silence of his apartment.

"Sunflower isn't with you, today?" Aizawa focuses on the familiar smile of the barista who's often working when he visits.

He remembers Toshi telling him that he came here alone one time after their date. He'd forgotten to give his name to the girl after ordering so she'd written sunflower on his cup then brought it out to him. Aizawa had rolled his eyes after hearing that story, but the next time that they stopped by together, she had recognized him. Hearing the name roll past her lips didn't bother him, but watching the two of them start chatting as she took their orders made Aizawa notice just how much more alive the world seemed to be around Toshi. Standing tall and bright. Just like a sunflower.

 _I love you._

"He's not feeling too well today," he lies.

Her face falls. "Oh, poor thing. I hope it's nothing serious."

"I'm actually on my way to see him." He didn't know when he'd go back to Toshi's place but he did still intend to return to him.

The girl's smile returns and she hands Aizawa his change. As he walks over to the window to wait for his order, he notices that she steps away from the counter and starts making drinks that seem to have piled up. Hopefully she'd make his too; he stopped by often enough for her to know his regular order. He turns his attention back outside.

It had been bright and sunny this morning, hell for his eyes, and when he'd left Toshi's apartment, about thirty minutes ago, the sky was grayed over. Those clouds had since darkened, ready to burst. Toshi loved the rain. What was he doing right now? Even though he was still angry, Aizawa was unable to stop himself from thinking about the blond. It wasn't fair how easily the the man invaded his mind. How easy it was to love him.

Aizawa hated it.

He sighs then turns his head as two drinks are placed in front of him. The girl just offers him a smile that reminds him of Toshi before she walks back behind the counter. The pitter patter on the window brings his attention back outside and he grabs both cups, rushing back to Toshi.

* * *

The first thing Toshi does after seeing the door close behind Aizawa, after breaking down and hating himself, is rush to the bedroom for his phone. He needs to call Shouta. Needs to be able to explain himself. He'd chase after him, but he'd been a little exhausted the last few days.

No answer.

"Shouta, please-" his voice cracks.

He pulls the phone away from his ear as he walks back out to the living room and redials Aizawa's number. After the first ring, he hears a vibration and looks down at the coffee table. Aizawa's phone is sitting there, screen lit up with a picture of Toshi that he doesn't recognize. Toshi lets his arm fall and reaches for the device. Looking down at it he sees himself sleeping, head resting on top of graded papers with his mouth slightly ajar and a lone bang hanging over his face.

Tears still streaming, Toshi titters and has to cover his mouth. He sets the phone down, then goes to the kitchen to wash his hand and rid his mouth of the metallic tasting substance.

When had Aizawa taken that? There'd been plenty of times when they'd stayed late after school or both came to his apartment to grade and a few times he'd fallen asleep while Aizawa continued to work. Toshi always felt bad when he had to be woken up but Aizawa never chided him about it. In fact, he was concerned that Toshi wasn't sleeping enough. Like he was one to talk.

He shuts the water off then dries his hands and wipes away his tears with paper towel. Aizawa had left his phone which meant that he'd have to come back for it. Though if he hurried, he might just be able to catch up to him. Where would he be going though? He'd only been gone now for a handful of minutes but Toshi didn't even know which direction he'd gone. That and Aizawa didn't want to see him right now. He wouldn't have left otherwise.

Toshi sniffles and returns to the device, snatching it up and taking it to the little corner table he had by the door in plain sight so that Aizawa could just step inside and grab it. It had been weeks since the other man had knocked on his door as Toshi invited him over quite often.

He pauses to look at the peace lily that Aizawa had actually bought him long before they'd started dating. Of the five white flowers, two were beginning to die. Toshi lifts up the leaves just enough to look closer at the bottom of the stems for any new blooms. There were none which meant that the lily was sick or too cramped in its current pot.

There's a larger one sitting on his balcony and he knows he's got a bag of potting soil in the little closet out there too. Why the hell not he thinks and picks up the plant. It'll give him something to do instead of wondering when Aizawa would come back, if he was coming back at all. Maybe he really would just slip in, see his phone by the door, then leave.

Toshi shivers when he slides the door open. Were it not so cold outside, he'd be happy that it looked like it would rain soon. But Aizawa was currently walking god knows where in this chill and Toshi didn't want him to hurt anymore than he already was. He creates a well in the dirt and then carefully transfers the lily into it's new home. Holding the plant by the base of the stems, he gently shakes the dirt loose from the roots, seeing that they were too bunched up and could no longer stretch out.

He smiles fondly at the at the newly potted plant and is unable to stop the tears. Aizawa had told him that it had reminded him of Toshi. That's why he'd bought it. Looking at it now, all Toshi could think about was the man that had left his apartment while he cried and called after him. He hadn't meant what he'd said. Well, he had but he didn't think that Aizawa was just going to walk out on him.

It was just... out of character for him to have reacted like that. He didn't think that Aizawa would have remained straight-faced, but watching the tears well up in his eyes and feeling his hand pull away had caused Toshi more pain than the injury and surgeries that had left him scarred. It wasn't that he didn't want to be with Aizawa, because he did. He just felt that all Aizawa was able to see was a lonely, scarred man.

 _He_ loved Aizawa. Given his current emotional state that was obvious enough, but he'd had some lingering doubt about how Aizawa felt about him since the first night they were intimate. Or had tried to be. It had been so long for Toshi that he'd been rather hesitant, but Aizawa had been nothing but patient with him. He still was, but now he couldn't help but wonder if he'd lost all interest in Toshi.

Toshi runs a hand through his hair, pulling his bangs back in the same motion. He sniffles, then quickly covers his mouth to stifle a cough and doesn't hear the door slide open. Aizawa gazes at the blond, gripping his hair with one hand and covering his mouth with the other, awkwardly hunching over the lily that he'd gotten for him some time ago.

"Toshi," he barely whispers.

The man's eyes snap open but he doesn't dare look up. He came back, and it wasn't just to get his phone. Aizawa steps outside and reaches down, but stops when Toshi flinches. He pulls his hand back and steps away, as he did earlier.

What was he doing?

Aizawa steps forward, grabs Toshi by the wrists and pulls him to his feet, ignoring the blood on his lanky hand. The taller man carefully steps over the lily and allows Aizawa to lead him back inside. He's taken to the couch, where he watches Aizawa go into the kitchen and hears him warm something up in the microwave. A moment later, his eyes follow the shorter man as he returns with a warm cup of tea, recognizing the handwriting on the side.

Aizawa takes Toshi's clean hand and places the cup in it, guiding his fingers to wrap around it. The blond lifted the warm cup to his lips and took a small sip while the shorter man knelt down on floor, between Toshi's legs, and wiped the blood away from his other hand. While Aizawa goes through the motion of cleaning away the crimson substance, his eyes water up and a few tears fall onto Toshi's hand.

"Why?" he sobs.

Watching Aizawa bend forward until the man's head rested in his hand broke his heart. He'd never seen him so emotionally distraught and never before had he seen the man shed tears. He didn't know how to answer. It was such an open question and he had to want an explanation for everything, but where could he start?

"Do you love me?" he asks.

Aizawa looks up into those brilliant blue eyes. "What kind of question is that, Toshi?" he retorts.

"A serious one, Shouta."

Aizawa blinks at Toshi. Though he was only realizing it, he loved him. Had loved him for some time now. He shifts his weight so that he's standing on his knees and doesn't have to strain his neck to look up at Toshi.

"I love you, Toshi."

The blond leans down until his forehead is resting against Aizawa's and reaches behind him to set the tea on the coffee table.

"You know that I love you too, right?"

"Then why?" Aizawa sobs.

"Because I thought that you didn't want me." Aizawa pulls back from Toshi, eyes wide and confusion etched onto his face. Why would he possibly think that? As he opens his mouth to speak, Toshi places a finger over his lips, silencing him. "Let me explain, first. Please."

Aizawa just nods and listens to him. At one point he would have thought that his worries were stupid but for a man like Toshi, who was always under public scrutiny, it made sense that he'd be worried about his self-image. But Aizawa didn't know that he was worried about that as far being intimate went. It wasn't as though he hadn't seen it, it was actually something he liked to admire whenever the blond was sleeping.

"I didn't think that you were going to walk out like you did, Shouta."

"And I didn't think that you'd ever end things between us," Aizawa admitted.

Toshi sheepishly looks away, his cheeks heating up. "I'm sorry-"

Aizawa places his hand under Toshi's chin and turns the man's head. "Let me show you, Toshi," he whispers and leans in for a kiss.

"What?" Toshi asks as the shorter man stands up, lacing their fingers and pulling him to the bedroom.

The blond smiles down at Aizawa and closes the distance between them, bringing one hand to rest against his cheek. Aizawa leans into his touch then grabs Toshi's collar, pulling him down into a wet kiss. He continues to lead him to the bedroom, turning him around when they reach the bed. Toshi feels his legs hit the mattress and then falls back when Aizawa pushes him. He blinks up at him and watches him take off his scarf, letting it fall to the floor.

Toshi backs up until he reaches the headboard as Aizawa crawls over him, the man's eyes hooded over. "Why are you running Toshi? I thought you wanted this."

"It's no fun if I just give myself up to you," the blond quips. He watches Aizawa's eyes dilate and observes how he's crawling, looking very much like a cat ready to pounce at it's prey.

"You're right. But it'll be even more fun when I make you beg to be taken, Toshi."

A shiver runs down his spine and he pulls Aizawa down to kiss him.


End file.
